me grimlock no like Michael Bay's direction

Me Grimlock no like complain. All Internet does is complain. Not me Grimlock, me no dork. But me Grimlock not help but notice lack of me Grimlock in Michael Bay’s new action extravaganza Transformers.

Me no understand what problem is. Me Grimlock dinosaur. Me Grimlock robot. Me Grimlock giant. Who no like giant robot dinosaur? Why no put in movie? Movies with giants, robots and dinosaurs make everybody rich. Star Wars had robots in it and very big in America and Japan, just like Transformers. Jurassic Park made Steven Spielberg so much money, Kate Capshaw marry Jew. King Kong made lots of money, even with silly skate scene in Central Park. Snarl only one who liked that scene, but Snarl big girl at heart.

Then me Grimlock hear instead of all robots, Michael Bay want more carbon-based lifeforms in the movie. He want more human connection for fleshlings who see movie. That idea more stupid than little robots that transform into robot heads. Carbon-based lifeforms all fleshy and no transform. Where drama in that? If fleshlings get in me Grimlock’s way, me Grimlock stomp on them and get foot sticky like pudding. That no fun. It also remind fleshy ones watching movie in theater that floor is gross.

No get me Grimlock wrong, me Grimlock like Michael Bay movies cause no need long attention span. Michael Bay even put robot dinosaurs in past movies, like Sean Connery in Rock. Me Grimlock’s favorite Michael Bay movie Armageddon cause fleshy humans stopping meteor from stomping Earth very funny in me Dinobot eyes.

Fleshlings only ruin Transformers movie. Look at first Transformers movie in 1985. Worst part of movie was small fleshling. And me Grimlock not saving day by stomping Orson Wells. Those two things not in new Transformers movie. That why me Grimlock join all Internet in not seeing new movie. Judd Nelson will be proud of me Grimlock.

Producers think they fool me Grimlock into liking movie, but me Grimlock no fool. They hold contest to decide what Optimus Prime should say in movie. Me Grimlock enter. Prime should say, “Me Prime wish Grimlock here because me Prime terrible at leadership, battle and cooking!” No surprise, producer no like me Grimlock’s idea. Me Grimlock like to bash producer brains in.

Autobot Jazz say me Grimlock should try make new movie about Grimlock instead of stomping producer. Me Grimlock like idea, but then Swoop say Jazz already in Transformers movie. No funny, Jazz! Michael Bay want black transformer in movie, but no retarded robot dinosaur? Swoop told me Grimlock black characters in movie cause of affirmative action. Well, no one more affirmative on action than me Grimlock. Me Grimlock king of action! Affirmative!

The news make me Grimlock angry and stomp Bernie Mac like pudding, cause he in new movie and he black too. But Slag say Bernie Mac play fleshy one, not Jazz, so me Grimlock sorry. Mostly for chocolate pudding on foot.

Putting me Grimlock in “Transformers” movie mean everybody see green. Me Grimlock not actually green, me Grimlock meant green as in cash. See what me Grimlock did there, me Grimlock make pretty funny joke. Laugh or me Grimlock slice you with energo-sword. Laugh, fleshlings! Remember Bill Cosby say always room for more pudding.

dave cockrum died

Who is Dave Cockrum and why should I care? He's one of the guys - the artist - who helped revive the low-selling X-Men title in the mid-70s with new characters like Storm, Nightcrawler, Colossus and a dude who only appeared twice in another title by the name of Wolverine that eventually turned into a cash-making machine for Marvel a few years later.



I'm not a super X-Men fan. I used to read the books in the 80s and early 90s before their popularity got to a point where there were 10 different spinoff titles published every month, each with deliberetly confusing and mysterious storylines that made it impossible to keep up. Imagine if there were five "Lost" spinoffs, and you had to watch all of them. That's annoying. Still, I always had a softspot for the X-Men, occasionally dipping my toes back in for the movies and video games. Cockrum helped create two of my favorite members - Nightcrawler and Colossus - so I'm taking the moment to tell you about him and why I think he's pretty cool.

Mark Evanier's blog News From Me has a much better writeup about Dave, so check it out if you're so inclined.

back

I've been off the blogging thing for a bit but I'm back now. I spent the Thanksgiving week in Flordia with the in-laws (that just sounds weird), so it's a whole thing of getting ready to take a week off, taking a week off, and then catching up from the week off. So it's a been a bit hectic.

I've been working on my projects a lot as well. I submitted two humor pieces in the past month, one to McSweeney's and another to Mad Magazine. The McSweeney's piece was rejected, and after looking around the Web for possible sites/media that would be interested in a op-ed piece by a retarded robot dinosaur, I found none. That's so weird, isn't it? (And by the way, The Onion does not accept unsolicited material, so phooey on them). Anyway, I'm going to post it here as a point of reference, and maybe the musings of Grimlock the Dinobot will find an audience somewhere on the magical World Wide Web.

I haven't heard anything from Mad, so I thinking no on that. But I have to say, they have one of the better form letters for submissions I've ever seen.

I'm working on some other things as well. Unfortunately, none of which was on National Novel Writing Month. My plan was to sketch out a plot based very loosely on the events of my own life (primarly the death of my dad) as a way for me to easily write something around a structure. However, I found I kept writing too much about my own life and the structure never really went anywhere, so eventually, I tripped myself up with self-doubt, got ideas for other things, and moved on. I don't really feel that bad about it as I'm working on other creative avenues and putting feelers out there, so it's not like I haven't been unproductive. I'll probably give it another shot next year.

So yeah, the Grimlock piece to come as well as the oddball joke or two I've devised recently.

it's good to have goals

So with the Republican party rebounding from last week's trouncing, they decided to return to its core roots. How? By reelecting Trent Lott to a top leadership post in the Senate.

It's nice to see the Republicans returning to its roots. Racist roots to be sure, but hey, you have to admire the committment.

yep, defintely a "drink to bliss" kinda day

Dems win the House! Rumsfeld steps down! It's like Christmas came two months early!

News like this fills me with such joy, it makes me want to out and marry two Mexican men, abort their adoptive fetus for the purposes of stem cell research and then tax them for everything! HUZZAH!

I like this choice comment from the president today: "Somehow it's seeped in their conscience that, you know, my attitude was just simply Stay the course." Yeah, why would anybody think the administration wanted to stay the course?



I think the funniest part of the Rumsfeld thing is that if they did this a week early, they may have likely kept control of Congress.

enough with the foreplay

Sorry I missed this little nugget of information, but Bass Pro allowed Buffalo to get to first base, again.

"The Bass Pro founder, who first saw the Aud's exterior during a social trip to Buffalo in the late 1990s, has toured the interior of the building on at least four other occasions. Bass Pro engineers and designers have made several additional visits."

So this dude has been at least five times to look at the building? What exactly did he learn on this last visit that he didn't figure out in the previous decade? "Hmm, this place needs cleaning up. Should we do that or tear the whole thing down?" Wasn't that the original question two or three years ago? The city is really breaking some land-air speed records in getting this deal signed, I tell ya. I admire the foolish optimism of the Erie County Harbor Committee representative, who should know something about those speed records, in predicting that something will happen before the end of the year. Dude, you're still on the first date!

You know what Buffalo? Have you ever considered the possibility that Bass Pro is just not that into you? Especially when the founder uses terms like "awesome?"

Buffalo's a great city and all, I just wish whomever works out these development deals didn't spread their legs quicker than a two-bit Cantonese whore. And I mean no offense to the Cantonese whores out there that happen to be reading this.

Election Day

I'm guessing that the handful of you that will read this are already making plans to vote ... so yeah. Happy Tuesday.

I recall two years ago after several co-workers hassled me like my favorite sports team lost, I went to see the original "Saw" movie in the afternoon, as performing a self-amputation is about how I felt that day. I may or may not post tomorrow, depending on the results. I'm thinking either it's "drink myself into bliss for celebration" or "drink myself into stupior in mourning" kinda day.

You were a good balloon, Charlie Brown

They're eliminating the Charlie Brown balloon from the Macy's Thanksgiving Day parade according to this article along with Kermit. In its place is flying Snoopy, one of the Pokeman characters and the Energizer Bunny.

I'm a little depressed that a corporate icon is going up there. Charlie Brown depressed. I guess it's a sign of the times.

it ain't right

Don't get me wrong, I love Reese's Peanut Butter Cups. In fact, it may be my favorite piece of candy ever. Whenever I have a bag of Reese's (slightly chilled from the fridge) and a tall glass of milk, I'm a happy man. Whomever put chocolate and peanut butter together ranks higher in my eyes than Thomas Edison.

But I'm staring at a Inside Out Reese's cup at work. It's the one where they put the peanut butter on the outside and the chocolate inside. There's something very, very unnatural about it, like somebody who has his organs on the outside.

A thought before Election Day

Right now I have a president of the United States, two United States senators, one United States congressman, a governor, a state senator, a state assemblyman, a county executive, a county legislator, a mayor, a common council member and a common council president, all elected to represent me. That's just the executive and legislative branches. There's also judges, state supreme court justices, sheriffs, district attorney, attorney generals and the like I have to vote for. Let's not even bring up political committee delegates.

As best as I can figure, I live in the 27th district, the 60th district, the 11th district and either the 141st or the 144th district, depending on my interpretation of the helpful district maps offered on the state Web site. As a City of Buffalo resident, I believe I live in the Delaware district, if I'm reading the somewhat imprecise map the city Web site offers me correctly.

There are three different state assembly people in my zip code. There are two different congressional representatives in my zip code. I actually had to look up my nine-digit zip code to figure out which congressional district I'm in (I was sure I was in Brian Higgins district, but it could have been the alcohol). In fact, the apartments across the hall from mine have a different nine-digit zip code than me.

That's a lot of people to keep track of. And during election season, you have to double that at least. I work in the media, and even I can't keep up with all this stuff, so I can't imagine Johnny Suburb having much luck with it.

Government may be too big.