enough with the foreplay

Sorry I missed this little nugget of information, but Bass Pro allowed Buffalo to get to first base, again.

"The Bass Pro founder, who first saw the Aud's exterior during a social trip to Buffalo in the late 1990s, has toured the interior of the building on at least four other occasions. Bass Pro engineers and designers have made several additional visits."

So this dude has been at least five times to look at the building? What exactly did he learn on this last visit that he didn't figure out in the previous decade? "Hmm, this place needs cleaning up. Should we do that or tear the whole thing down?" Wasn't that the original question two or three years ago? The city is really breaking some land-air speed records in getting this deal signed, I tell ya. I admire the foolish optimism of the Erie County Harbor Committee representative, who should know something about those speed records, in predicting that something will happen before the end of the year. Dude, you're still on the first date!

You know what Buffalo? Have you ever considered the possibility that Bass Pro is just not that into you? Especially when the founder uses terms like "awesome?"

Buffalo's a great city and all, I just wish whomever works out these development deals didn't spread their legs quicker than a two-bit Cantonese whore. And I mean no offense to the Cantonese whores out there that happen to be reading this.

A love letter ...

Dear Bass Pro-

What’s up? I know it’s been a while, but I was looking at some old photos the other day, and I thought of you. It may be kinda weird to call somebody up out of the blue, but why does it have to be weird? We used to be friends, a long time ago, and whatever happened shouldn’t stop us from staying in touch with each other.

Remember the first time we went out together? We walked along the waterfront, and I pointed out the majestic waters of Lake Erie through the pillars of the Skyway. That was when you said, “Hey, this would be a great place to sell stuff to professional bassmasters!” That’s when I knew it was love at first sight. I don’t know what you were thinking, but I was dreaming of a life with you, imagining all the additional revenue that would have come from people eating in our restaurants and spending nights in our hotels, all because people would come in from all over the country to shop in a fishing store. Perhaps I misread the gleam in your eye, but I could swear you thought the same thoughts, imaging what a tremendous draw it would be when you put those tackle boxes on sale.

Oh, I remember that night fondly, and as we walked along the way, we had our first very special moment. You looked into my eyes, and I touched your arm as we shared our first non-binding memorandum of intent. I don’t know about you, but my socks were on fire. Don’t get me wrong, baby, I’ve had a lot of non-binding MOIs in my life. I’ve played the field, that’s for sure. But there was something special between you and I that night.

I thought it went so well, but when I called you to go out again, you always said you were busy. I tried to be understanding at the time, but to be honest, I didn’t get it. Were we on different worlds? Was it me? It wasn’t before long you let my calls go directly to voice mail. I thought you might have been busy, but when I saw that you were out with that tramp Memphis, my heart was broken.

Look, maybe you didn’t care for the time I briefly flirted with my ex-girlfriend, Seneca Casino, for a few weeks. Now there was a relationship that went horribly wrong the first time, but when you stopped returning my calls, she came around again. I have to admit, I was lonely, and possibly desperate. Perhaps it was the Labatt Blue talking. But I soon came to my senses when she was all like, “Fulton Street” this and “infrastructure” that. Look, I’m not into a girl that’s high maintenance. That’s why I thought you and I were so perfect for each other.

Maybe this is the wrong idea, but I thought maybe if I tried again, we can work things out. Look, I know you’ve been out with a bunch of other guys … it’s all over the papers over here. But I still think we can make it. The next time I see you, I’d love to get in a non-binding situation again, like our first date.

Actually, I’m not being honest with you. I like non-binding, but I want to take the next step. I want to bind you, baby. I want to bind you all night long. Maybe that’s a little forward, but I don’t care. I want things to go back to the way they used to be, and I’ll do whatever it takes. I heard the other guys say that you’re a little frisky, and that’s why I sent you all those public funds and tax incentives. But I still couldn’t get you to call me back. Heck, at this point, I’ll even bring down the walls of the Aud, where we shared our first date, because you’ve brought down the walls around my heart.

I know some people will think all of this is desperate, but not you, because you and I shared something special together for one night two years ago. I know you can see it in my eyes … it’s love baby, and all you have to do is pick up the phone.

Or, if that doesn’t work for you, maybe we can still be friends …

-Buffalo