moving

Shoot, I expected to be moving into a new home in the next two months, but it's a bit unexpected to move my Internerd home as well.

The kind folks at WNY Media have graciously invited me to join their gang of pundits, malcontents and Buffaloians. The new Mild-Mannered Blog is up and running right now, so head on over there for future updates.

Over the next few weeks, I'll be importing the old stuff to the new stuff. I'll get to reuse jokes for a whole new audience! Ain't life grand?

WBEN and the blog ban

Considering all the shots WBEN is taking after the program director decided to slice the on-air throats of local bloggers, I would just like to say that I have never been banned from WBEN. I, in fact, have never even been invitied into the studio. I was on one independently-produced show, but I can't remember if it aired on WBEN or not, and it was most certainly not on the subject of blogging.

So this is me sticking metaphorical thumb into the eye of Wenger, Beach, Bauerle and whomever else was involved in the decision to ban the local bloggers. I stand tall with my fellow local bloggers, even though some of them have only been through here once or twice and most know not of this blog's existence, in saying, "This agression will not stand, Mr. Wenger! I will not appear on WBEN programming from now on! Good day to you sir!" Even though I've never actually been invited on.

Also, if two radio hosts, who make their living by criticizing anybody and anything they feel like, can't take their own heat, then they're pussies ... and they can put that in their call-in pipe and smoke it.

Of course, if I had a job in the media while seeing the rise of the Internet culture rapidly maketraditional outlets irrelevant, I'd be scared shitless for my career as well. Oh wait ...

thank you global warming

It was 50 degrees out yesterday. In Buffalo. In the first week of January. Crazy.

Also, I would advise those with beachfront condos in Florida that they should sell their properties in the next 50 years. Or at least get some flood insurance.

yet another wire post, and more tv

For those of you without HBO and such, BET is set to start airing "The Wire" next week from the beginning. I have no idea how the editing breaks down - there is some nudity and frequent profanity, and I can recall one scene from S1 where two cops say nothing but variations of "fuck" for 10 minutes - but this is the television show that answers all the criticisms people have about TV. "The Wire" is intelligent, diverse and adult. It's literate TV, and to say it explores its world with precise social realism is an understatement. Here's the release from BET:

ET TAPS 'THE WIRE' WITH THE BASIC CABLE PREMIERE OF THE PEABODY AWARD-WINNING DRAMA
Released by BET

BET Taps 'THE WIRE' With The Basic Cable Premiere Of The Peabody Award-Winning Drama

The Surveillance Continues on BET When the Critically-Acclaimed Series Begins with Marathon Presentation on January 10 at 9 p.m. ET/PT

LOS ANGELES, Jan. 3 -- On Wednesday, January 10, 2007 at 9 p.m. ET/PT, the critically acclaimed HBO series THE WIRE will begin airing on BET with its series premiere. The basic cable, multi-season run of THE WIRE on BET will consist of all 50 produced episodes, with each episode airing in a 90-minute block. The first three episodes will be shown in a three-day marathon beginning Wednesday, January 10 through Friday, January 12 from 9- 10:30 p.m. ET/PT each night. Beginning January 18, THE WIRE can be seen every Thursday night at 9 p.m ET /PT with an encore run on Saturday nights at 9 p.m. ET/PT. The Peabody Award-winning series tells the story of a single drugs-and- murder police investigation from the point of view of both the police and their targets.

Incidentally, I thought the recently completed S4 was the best season of any show ever, even though it's all very good. So it goes without saying that I thought it was the best show all year. Here are my other favorites, in alphabetical order:

"24" saw something happen this year: the writers took out all the really hard to believe stupidity (see ya, Kim Bauer) and left in all the awesome. The result is the best season of the show yet, and one of the most deliriously entertaining programs on the air today. I usually hate saying this, but it helps to watch while leaving your brain at the door when watching. Of course Jack Bauer isn't going to make it across Los Angeles in three minutes, but that's not the point. It's the twists, turns, high body count and squirmy president that made me shout at the TV every five minutes on Monday nights. And damn it if Jack Bauer isn't one of the greatest American action heroes we've ever had the privilege to follow.

"Battlestar Galatica" was a series I caught up to this year based on the wonders of technology. I started recording season three on my DVR while I caught up on the previous seasons on DVD, all in the span of about three weeks. Can you imagine watching TV like this five years ago? Anyway, BSG lived up to its reputation as one of the best sci-fi shows ever by telling us stories of occupation, torture, prison, suicide bombers, abortion, democracy, war, religion, civil rights and what happens when we elect the wrong guy as president. The point of science fiction is providing social and political commentary while surrounding ourselves with a fantastic world - Battlestar does exactly that.

"The Office" finally escaped the shadow of its British counterpart with last year's "Yankee Swap" Christmas episode, but it was doing laps around it by the end of 2006. Not only was the Jim-Pam storyline to close out season two incredibly gripping, they effectively reversed the romantic triangle in season three by introducing Karen, a new love interest for Jim. And she was shockingly as cool as Pam. The other assorted hijinks around the office was brilliant, but none more so than Steve Carrell as Michael Scott, equal parts swarmy, lonely, friendly, pathetic, competent and incompetent. "The Office" certainly eased the pain of "Arrested Development" going off the air.

"Veronica Mars" is another show Julie and I followed mostly through DVD until catching up with the beginning of season three in October. It's a smart, fun show about a not-a-girl-not-yet-a-woman detective that's compelling and entertaining. I thought season two ended very well, but season three has seen a bit of a dip in quality; it's still good, but not as good as I think it can be. Still, it's not like that other mystery show that took a big nosedive this year ("Lost," I'm looking in your direction), and the repeated references to "The Big Lebowski" help. It's worth the time.

the long overdue update

I've been missing for a while, basically because I've been on vacation during the season. We didn't go anywhere, but between our family and friends, the past 10 days have been spent being shuttled from place to place, and it gets a bit hectic.

Any free time I get has been usually spent watching or reading whatever DVDs or books I got for Christmas. I tend to disconnect myself from the wireless world when I'm off, even to the extent where I don't follow the news. In fact, when the tsunami hit around this time two years ago, I had no idea what people were talking about when they brought it up.

But I did manage to find out Gerald Ford, James Brown and Saddam Hussein died right around the time they expired, so I had that going for me.

Anyhoo, the other thing occupying my time lately is the purchase of our new house, nestled in the quaint corner of the Town of Tonawanda a block from Buffalo and Kenmore. Well, the house isn't really new ... it will celebrate its 70th birthday this year, and there are assorted issues that come along with that. Still, everybody who would know that has looked at it says it's in great shape, so that brings me comfort, as my areas of expertise usually fall under "Who was a member of the Justice League and who was not," which is great at trivia games but not at replacing galvanized steel pipes with copper ones.

The long and short of it is, as of Feb. 1, the United States government will think I officially matter. Tentatively.

Oh, and by the way, I've realized getting quoted an interest rate is one thing. It's a whole other matter to actually look at what you'll be paying over the next 30 years. SWEET MERCIFUL CRAP, LORD JESUS and other assorted comments that wouldn't seem out of place in Deadwood floated through my mind when I saw the figure.

public service announcement

"The game is rigged, man. We like those little bitches on the chessboard." - Bodie

And with that, the fourth season of HBO's "The Wire" has come to a close. It's brilliant. Incredibly brilliant. So amazing I think it may be the best season of any television show ever. I've talked it up a bit here and other places, but really, I'm hard-pressed to think of anything that holds up this well.

Seriously, if you have access to it, or HBO On Demand (or a receiver that works * sob *), check out all 13 hours. It's a committment, but if you don't get to the end of it and say, "Holy shit," I'll eat my hat. Not my Red Sox hat, because I like it and it's possibly sweaty, but something I haven't worn in a while. Still, hat.

frak

I swear to you, I was all ready to sing the praises of the television experience these days. I just spent the last three weeks or so catching up on the first two seasons of Battlestar Galatica. I borrowed season one from a friend, and then ordered the two season two sets off of DVD Deep Discount. It's not only a terrific sci-fi show (which are few and far between), but a great show period. After I finished season two on Friday, I was all ready to begin watching season three on my DVR, which I've been stockpiling on the machine since they started airing in October. Can you imagine watching television in such a way five years ago?

And then this morning the DVR died. Frak frak frakity frak frak. I didn't cry, but I came close. Thankfully, the show will have a marathon in a few weeks.

Incidently, for those of you who have seen BSG (and I'd recommend it, as it's really sharp at times), I, for one, would like to welcome our new robot overlords.

"secular progressives"

I was watching this O'Reilly Factor clip off Pundit's site. About midway through an interview with Dem. Senator Barney Frank, "Papa Bear" gets in a heated arguement about the "secular progressives" attempt to place high taxes on the rich to redistribute the wealth to the poor.

Hmmm, who was the first guy that had that wacky idea of the rich helping the poor? Oh yeah, JESUS. There it is in Matthew's parable about the Rich Young Man, as Jesus tells a guy: "Sell what you have and give it to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven."

I tell ya, those progressives with their crazy secular ideas.

me grimlock no like Michael Bay's direction

Me Grimlock no like complain. All Internet does is complain. Not me Grimlock, me no dork. But me Grimlock not help but notice lack of me Grimlock in Michael Bay’s new action extravaganza Transformers.

Me no understand what problem is. Me Grimlock dinosaur. Me Grimlock robot. Me Grimlock giant. Who no like giant robot dinosaur? Why no put in movie? Movies with giants, robots and dinosaurs make everybody rich. Star Wars had robots in it and very big in America and Japan, just like Transformers. Jurassic Park made Steven Spielberg so much money, Kate Capshaw marry Jew. King Kong made lots of money, even with silly skate scene in Central Park. Snarl only one who liked that scene, but Snarl big girl at heart.

Then me Grimlock hear instead of all robots, Michael Bay want more carbon-based lifeforms in the movie. He want more human connection for fleshlings who see movie. That idea more stupid than little robots that transform into robot heads. Carbon-based lifeforms all fleshy and no transform. Where drama in that? If fleshlings get in me Grimlock’s way, me Grimlock stomp on them and get foot sticky like pudding. That no fun. It also remind fleshy ones watching movie in theater that floor is gross.

No get me Grimlock wrong, me Grimlock like Michael Bay movies cause no need long attention span. Michael Bay even put robot dinosaurs in past movies, like Sean Connery in Rock. Me Grimlock’s favorite Michael Bay movie Armageddon cause fleshy humans stopping meteor from stomping Earth very funny in me Dinobot eyes.

Fleshlings only ruin Transformers movie. Look at first Transformers movie in 1985. Worst part of movie was small fleshling. And me Grimlock not saving day by stomping Orson Wells. Those two things not in new Transformers movie. That why me Grimlock join all Internet in not seeing new movie. Judd Nelson will be proud of me Grimlock.

Producers think they fool me Grimlock into liking movie, but me Grimlock no fool. They hold contest to decide what Optimus Prime should say in movie. Me Grimlock enter. Prime should say, “Me Prime wish Grimlock here because me Prime terrible at leadership, battle and cooking!” No surprise, producer no like me Grimlock’s idea. Me Grimlock like to bash producer brains in.

Autobot Jazz say me Grimlock should try make new movie about Grimlock instead of stomping producer. Me Grimlock like idea, but then Swoop say Jazz already in Transformers movie. No funny, Jazz! Michael Bay want black transformer in movie, but no retarded robot dinosaur? Swoop told me Grimlock black characters in movie cause of affirmative action. Well, no one more affirmative on action than me Grimlock. Me Grimlock king of action! Affirmative!

The news make me Grimlock angry and stomp Bernie Mac like pudding, cause he in new movie and he black too. But Slag say Bernie Mac play fleshy one, not Jazz, so me Grimlock sorry. Mostly for chocolate pudding on foot.

Putting me Grimlock in “Transformers” movie mean everybody see green. Me Grimlock not actually green, me Grimlock meant green as in cash. See what me Grimlock did there, me Grimlock make pretty funny joke. Laugh or me Grimlock slice you with energo-sword. Laugh, fleshlings! Remember Bill Cosby say always room for more pudding.

dave cockrum died

Who is Dave Cockrum and why should I care? He's one of the guys - the artist - who helped revive the low-selling X-Men title in the mid-70s with new characters like Storm, Nightcrawler, Colossus and a dude who only appeared twice in another title by the name of Wolverine that eventually turned into a cash-making machine for Marvel a few years later.



I'm not a super X-Men fan. I used to read the books in the 80s and early 90s before their popularity got to a point where there were 10 different spinoff titles published every month, each with deliberetly confusing and mysterious storylines that made it impossible to keep up. Imagine if there were five "Lost" spinoffs, and you had to watch all of them. That's annoying. Still, I always had a softspot for the X-Men, occasionally dipping my toes back in for the movies and video games. Cockrum helped create two of my favorite members - Nightcrawler and Colossus - so I'm taking the moment to tell you about him and why I think he's pretty cool.

Mark Evanier's blog News From Me has a much better writeup about Dave, so check it out if you're so inclined.

back

I've been off the blogging thing for a bit but I'm back now. I spent the Thanksgiving week in Flordia with the in-laws (that just sounds weird), so it's a whole thing of getting ready to take a week off, taking a week off, and then catching up from the week off. So it's a been a bit hectic.

I've been working on my projects a lot as well. I submitted two humor pieces in the past month, one to McSweeney's and another to Mad Magazine. The McSweeney's piece was rejected, and after looking around the Web for possible sites/media that would be interested in a op-ed piece by a retarded robot dinosaur, I found none. That's so weird, isn't it? (And by the way, The Onion does not accept unsolicited material, so phooey on them). Anyway, I'm going to post it here as a point of reference, and maybe the musings of Grimlock the Dinobot will find an audience somewhere on the magical World Wide Web.

I haven't heard anything from Mad, so I thinking no on that. But I have to say, they have one of the better form letters for submissions I've ever seen.

I'm working on some other things as well. Unfortunately, none of which was on National Novel Writing Month. My plan was to sketch out a plot based very loosely on the events of my own life (primarly the death of my dad) as a way for me to easily write something around a structure. However, I found I kept writing too much about my own life and the structure never really went anywhere, so eventually, I tripped myself up with self-doubt, got ideas for other things, and moved on. I don't really feel that bad about it as I'm working on other creative avenues and putting feelers out there, so it's not like I haven't been unproductive. I'll probably give it another shot next year.

So yeah, the Grimlock piece to come as well as the oddball joke or two I've devised recently.

it's good to have goals

So with the Republican party rebounding from last week's trouncing, they decided to return to its core roots. How? By reelecting Trent Lott to a top leadership post in the Senate.

It's nice to see the Republicans returning to its roots. Racist roots to be sure, but hey, you have to admire the committment.

yep, defintely a "drink to bliss" kinda day

Dems win the House! Rumsfeld steps down! It's like Christmas came two months early!

News like this fills me with such joy, it makes me want to out and marry two Mexican men, abort their adoptive fetus for the purposes of stem cell research and then tax them for everything! HUZZAH!

I like this choice comment from the president today: "Somehow it's seeped in their conscience that, you know, my attitude was just simply Stay the course." Yeah, why would anybody think the administration wanted to stay the course?



I think the funniest part of the Rumsfeld thing is that if they did this a week early, they may have likely kept control of Congress.

enough with the foreplay

Sorry I missed this little nugget of information, but Bass Pro allowed Buffalo to get to first base, again.

"The Bass Pro founder, who first saw the Aud's exterior during a social trip to Buffalo in the late 1990s, has toured the interior of the building on at least four other occasions. Bass Pro engineers and designers have made several additional visits."

So this dude has been at least five times to look at the building? What exactly did he learn on this last visit that he didn't figure out in the previous decade? "Hmm, this place needs cleaning up. Should we do that or tear the whole thing down?" Wasn't that the original question two or three years ago? The city is really breaking some land-air speed records in getting this deal signed, I tell ya. I admire the foolish optimism of the Erie County Harbor Committee representative, who should know something about those speed records, in predicting that something will happen before the end of the year. Dude, you're still on the first date!

You know what Buffalo? Have you ever considered the possibility that Bass Pro is just not that into you? Especially when the founder uses terms like "awesome?"

Buffalo's a great city and all, I just wish whomever works out these development deals didn't spread their legs quicker than a two-bit Cantonese whore. And I mean no offense to the Cantonese whores out there that happen to be reading this.

Election Day

I'm guessing that the handful of you that will read this are already making plans to vote ... so yeah. Happy Tuesday.

I recall two years ago after several co-workers hassled me like my favorite sports team lost, I went to see the original "Saw" movie in the afternoon, as performing a self-amputation is about how I felt that day. I may or may not post tomorrow, depending on the results. I'm thinking either it's "drink myself into bliss for celebration" or "drink myself into stupior in mourning" kinda day.

You were a good balloon, Charlie Brown

They're eliminating the Charlie Brown balloon from the Macy's Thanksgiving Day parade according to this article along with Kermit. In its place is flying Snoopy, one of the Pokeman characters and the Energizer Bunny.

I'm a little depressed that a corporate icon is going up there. Charlie Brown depressed. I guess it's a sign of the times.

it ain't right

Don't get me wrong, I love Reese's Peanut Butter Cups. In fact, it may be my favorite piece of candy ever. Whenever I have a bag of Reese's (slightly chilled from the fridge) and a tall glass of milk, I'm a happy man. Whomever put chocolate and peanut butter together ranks higher in my eyes than Thomas Edison.

But I'm staring at a Inside Out Reese's cup at work. It's the one where they put the peanut butter on the outside and the chocolate inside. There's something very, very unnatural about it, like somebody who has his organs on the outside.

A thought before Election Day

Right now I have a president of the United States, two United States senators, one United States congressman, a governor, a state senator, a state assemblyman, a county executive, a county legislator, a mayor, a common council member and a common council president, all elected to represent me. That's just the executive and legislative branches. There's also judges, state supreme court justices, sheriffs, district attorney, attorney generals and the like I have to vote for. Let's not even bring up political committee delegates.

As best as I can figure, I live in the 27th district, the 60th district, the 11th district and either the 141st or the 144th district, depending on my interpretation of the helpful district maps offered on the state Web site. As a City of Buffalo resident, I believe I live in the Delaware district, if I'm reading the somewhat imprecise map the city Web site offers me correctly.

There are three different state assembly people in my zip code. There are two different congressional representatives in my zip code. I actually had to look up my nine-digit zip code to figure out which congressional district I'm in (I was sure I was in Brian Higgins district, but it could have been the alcohol). In fact, the apartments across the hall from mine have a different nine-digit zip code than me.

That's a lot of people to keep track of. And during election season, you have to double that at least. I work in the media, and even I can't keep up with all this stuff, so I can't imagine Johnny Suburb having much luck with it.

Government may be too big.

One month. 50,000 words. It's gonna be crap.

So I'm chugging along, working up some ideas for stories in various formats that I would like to do. A three-act play here, a script for a mockmentary there. Basically, just some diddling as I get my creative muscles working.

And then I came along this site: National Novel Writing Month. Basically, it gives all writers one simple, daunting challenge: Write an entire book, or at least 50,000 words, in a one-month period from Nov. 1 to 30.

I'm gonna do it. Why? Because I'm stupid.

Actually, I'd like to think my reasons are well-intentioned. One of the things that always trips me up as a writer, as I'm sure trips up thousands of other would-be authors, is that everytime you sit down and look at that blank page, all you think about is the masterworks that inspired you to try one of these things in the first place, whether it's Jane Austen, William Shakespeare, Alan Moore or whomever. I keep thinking whatever comes out of my head is going to suck compared to those writers, so I stop.

I figure I'm never going to get better doing that. Eventually, I'm going to have to work out a complete story as a first draft, and then I can go back and rewrite to make it something that, while it may not be good, at least not suck.

So National Novel Writing Month is probably the kind of thing I'm looking for. There's a goal and a deadline. It's all about pouring every little messed up thing in your head onto the page as quickly as possible. If I'm lucky, I'll have something on Dec. 1 that I can work with, touching up the story into something I'm proud of. If I'm not lucky, I can always think that at least I finished something, while learning more about the process of writing.

Wish me luck. I'm gonna need it.

The 10 O'Clock News

ON. THE. LIST.

For deciding to cut off the end of last night's "Veronica Mars" because you couldn't wait THREE FREAKING MINUTES to break in with the whole "Erie County is a federal disaster site" mess.

Also On The List? Tom Reynolds, just because I was watching one of my favorite TV shows only to see the sweaty mug of a human being I detest pop up suddenly. I'm not sure if it was his decision to start the press conference early, but he's SUSPECT.